Intensity	Stupidity:Nudity Ratio 8:2	Budget Major

The movie opens with Harley Davidson (Mickey Rourke) standing by a window while a radio announces that it is July 5th, 1996 and makes mention of a couple of things (ozone in particular) to make it seem like the movie is set in the future (the film was made in 1991). We have already noticed the naked woman in his bed and as he leaves we get to see more of her. After a standard traveling montage (featuring rolling hills, the Palm Springs windmill farm and a giant clover leaf) Harely stops for gas and casually stops a robbery. Soon we meet the Marlboro Man (Don Johnston) at a strip club. At least I think it was a strip club, there was a girl on a motorcycle who took her top off, but it is not like she was dancing or anything. Anyway, MM is wearing a cowboy outfit and is hustling a Native American (Branscombe Richmond) at pool. Seems like $500 and a night with his girlfriend is at stake. During the ensuing fight, MM is stabbed in the chest, but it does not seem to slow him down. He and HD return to their childhood bar and after paying homage to John Wayne's statue, they talk to Old Man (Julius Harris) and discover that he is about to lose the bar. HD decides to rob the bank that holds the lease on the place, but instead of getting money, they end up with a new designer drug. After apparently selling the drugs back to the bad guys, they celebrate at the bar, though MM worries it was too easy. This proves prophetic as about 15 seconds later the bad guys come in and shoot Old Man and then take out everyone but HD and MM. After a couple of moral dilemmas and MM getting shot twice (still doesn't slow him down) they track down the bad guy and he falls out a really high window. MM rides a bull and HD picks up a beautiful teenaged hitchhiker on his way out of town.

I started out liking this movie, but as it went on I liked it less and less and finally was really glad when it was over. I have taken movies with much smaller budgets and much less talented screenwriters to task before for sloppy writing, and this turkey deserves the same treatment. The movie is set five years in the future and the radio mentions some ozone problems and warns people to stay out of the sun, but this is never mentioned again. Apparently the only reason to put the movie in the "future" is so that they can depopulate Burbank and drop an international airport where it used to be. DIA in Denver was built in 1995 and is on 52 square miles of land. Imagine the cost alone of moving everyone out of a two mile wide by five mile long area. The screenwriter causally drops this logic bomb on us and then has MM give HD a hard time because he was unaware that all this happened in the two years he was out of town.

Screenwriter: So then they pull the bikes up to an intersection and we see a Concord landing at the Burbank Airport!

Producer: Uh, Burbank doesn't have an airport.

Screenwriter: But it can in the FUTURE!!

Producer: Yeah, but like a million people live there.

Screenwriter: Well, maybe they moved, come on, it's a really cool shot.

But wait, there's more! Apparently there is also a new designer drug HD and MM know nothing about. We have two separate monologues by minor characters to explain this to them. Then after determining that the drugs they ended up with are deadly and declaring that they aren't drug dealers, they sell it back to the bad guys. Sigh, apparently they aren't drug dealers but drug wholesalers instead.

When Old Man sees HD again, he says it is "good to see you, but I always regret it when you're around". He then goes on to explain that the bar is going out of business soon because the lease he signed 30 years ago is up and he can't afford the new one because the new airport is right next door and now they want 500,000 a year. According to Old Man's narrative, he rented the place for 10 years at $500 a month and when that lease was up signed another one for $500 a month for 30 years and everyone is indignant that the bank won't continue to lease him the place at that price. That sound you hear is my jaw dropping to the floor. If you thought the Burbank Airport was a logic bomb, think this one through with me. First of all, banks don't lease property. They will give you a mortgage so that you can buy property. So in 1955 he got a lease on a property that maybe cost about $50,000 for $500 per month (if this were a normal mortgage it would be paid off in 12 or 13 years). Ten years later he got the same deal and secured it for 30 years. During that 40 years, the cost of a basic new car went from $1,600 to $16,000 and postage from 3 cents to 42 cents, yet he is still paying rent at the 1955 rate not the 1995 rate which would likely be at least 10 times as much. I don't think $5,000 per month for a large retail area in Burbank is out of line, in fact, that number is likely incredibly low.

So despite these ludicrous plot points, this is still not the worst the movie has to offer. The worst is provided by Rourke's HD character. As I mentioned, Johnson's MM is stabbed once, shot by the bad guys once and then shot again by HD. Meanwhile HD does not get so much as a splinter from all the havoc he causes. While MM feels at least a bit of remorse about the bar being shot up and all their friends killed, HD is largely indifferent. Most of the people that he reunites with have had bad experiences with him in the past, but readily forgive him. Why? His character is not that likable and seems to enjoy causing trouble. In an effort to humanize him, the screenwriter has him carry around a picture of him and some woman who just "left without a word". In an attempt to lighten up the movie, they make HD completely inept with a gun because there is nothing as funny as a guy who can't shoot straight. Ha Ha. I chuckle now just thinking about it.

Two other annoying things about the movie are the way it treats the cannon fodder and the way it treats the women. Now I know that father figures, mentors, and senseis are often killed so that the "good guy" can then go on a murder rampage. But here we are introduced to the "old man" and yes, that is all that what he is called in the credits, and four or five other old friends who let HD talk them into the robbery. When things go bad all of them are taken out in less than two minutes of screen time. Clearly we are not going to spend any time with any character that might be more interesting than our heroes. Which brings us to the girls. MM has been having a relationship with a local cop, Virginia Slim (Chelsea Fields) who has sex with him and then breaks off the relationship because she wants something more stable. There are three women listed in the credits that don't even have a line of dialog. Tia Carrere has about two lines and then simply stands around watching the big shootout at the end looking mildly concerned. Two armed thugs walk into her boss' office, nothing. They threaten his life, nothing. A freaking helicopter blows out the windows of the office and kills the two guards that finally show up, she ducks. Really though pretty much everyone in the movie is just there to provide background for the two stars.

It ends up being a dumb movie with unlikable teflon heroes who cause all kinds of trouble but nothing bad happens to them despite the fact that everyone around them ends up dead. Drop in a couple of mind numbing logic bombs, ridiculous references to Westerns in general and John Wayne and the Shootout at the OK Corral in particular and incredibly stupid bad guys who can't hit the broad side of a barn unless they are not shooting at the heroes and you have a truly annoying movie.

There is a possibility that this movie is meant as satire, but I don't really see it. I didn't feel any winks to the audience or any subtle humor here. Tremors does a wonderful job of riffing on monster movies without being really stupid or condescending. This one just hits all the points of buddy movies without any real emotion, It is possible that someone thinks this is humorous, but that someone would not be me.

Got a comment or different opinion? Send a message.